To someone who has experienced a miscarriage.
5. What can I bring you? This is so much better than the generic, "Let me know if you need anything." A dear friend brought me a People magazine (about Charlie Sheen, not about babies), a bunch of DVDs, chocolate, and booze. It was the perfect combo.
4. This is terrible/horrible/unfair. A girl I barely know from work was so kind to me when she found out. She said, "Let's go to lunch and be angry!" In retrospect, that was one of the nicest things anyone said.
3. You will be in my prayers. This one might not be comforting to everyone, but I'm a religious person, and I like the idea of someone remembering me and my lost babies in prayer.
2. How are you feeling? Open ended questions like this allow the person to just vent, cry, whatever.
1. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Acknowledging the loss is so important. Expressing your sympathy is important too. ESPECIALLY if you are a family member. I can't stress this enough. If you are a brother, sister, in law, parent, or dear friend, you had a vested interested in that baby as well. You might think, ugh, I just don't know what do say. It's so awkward. Man or woman up and say I'm sorry. Express sympathy. It's the right thing to do.
I am not religious & people saying they will pray for me actually made me feel better. I had 2 miscarriages & were told some crazy things (at least you have 1 healthy child, its god way of getting rid of mistakes, etc.).
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of going out & just being angry!
I'd add on to the "How are you" with a "How are you..... really?" because the shorter question is so ubiquitous to almost demand an, "Oh, I'm fine. You?" response.
ReplyDeleteThe best thing my Mom did for me was we got chinese food and went to the beach and played with her dog. My sister came up and gave me a "girls weekend" with movies, facial, and pedicure. Even if you never experienced it before does not mean you can't say anything or it's just better to do nothing. Just spend time with the person, probably the last thing they want is to be alone.
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I have been trying to have a baby for five years. We have now had 6 miscarriages. Each time has been a different cicumstance. It is devestating. After the first two, we stopped telling friends/family that we were even pregnant because it is so difficult for people to talk to us about it. I feel like we are totally alone and there is no one that can understand our pain. We love each other so much and just want to extend our love by starting a family. We just want one.
ReplyDeleteHave you been on progesterone at all? That is what helped me not to miscarry and after 3 miscarriages I am now 18 weeks pregnant. I have a 4 year old also and I had to have progesterone to stay pregnant with her.
DeleteI know your pain. I have had 5 miscarriages. Each one is a loss in and of itself. And, then when you compound them, the situation is devastating and lonely, and takes on a sadness of its own. PLEASE have your wife have her progesterone checked by a doctor who believes in bioidentical hormones. If you need a name, feel free to email me at 75coyote@gmail.com. I will share some good news with you... I am now expecting our fourth child - the oldest and youngest biological, the two middles adopted. All of them wanted and prayed for and loved unconditionally. In addition to the medical issues, if you would like information on adoption, I can provide that as well.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. It's such an isolating experience. What you have been through is terribly unfair. Even though I don't know you, I wish you and your wife peace today. I hope and pray that you WILL have the family you deserve.
ReplyDeleteI've never miscarried, but I understand your pain. People said similarly stupid things to me when my husband died. One actually had the nerve to say it must have been a relief not to have to take care of him anymore.
ReplyDeletePlease accept my deepest condolences.
My very supportive and loving husband said the best thing to me after our miscarriage at 8 weeks. It was a few days after, and the two of us were sitting there, laughing at something (a line from a movie, maybe? I really can't remember anymore), when I gasped and said, "ohmygosh, is it okay that we're laughing right now?" And he said, "babe, we're not laughing, we're coping." It was the perfect thing to say at the perfect time.
ReplyDeleteAnd then I thought to myself, "wow - I've taught you so much!" My background is in counseling/social work and I currently work with grieving families. My husband is a chemist and while he's sweet and supportive, he's not always so great with knowing the "right" thing to say. The fact that he said what he said, at that moment, made me well up with tears of love, pride, and gratitude - that I was lucky enough to have him by my side while enduring one of the most heartbreaking experiences of my life.
People said a lot of stupid stuff too - "it just wasn't your time" and "it's nature's/God's way of getting rid of an imperfect baby." And, "at least you weren't that far along." I think that one really hurt the most. But when I look back, I try to focus on that moment I shared with my husband - how close I felt to him, and how I knew without a doubt that he was the only person on earth who could even come CLOSE to understanding my pain. I think our shared grief actually brought us even closer together. And made us that much more amazed, grateful and thrilled when I gave birth to our beautiful son in October 2008.
The most annoying thing people said to me after my miscarriage was "God has a plan." I heard that so much, especially from the nurses in the hospital that I thought I would beat one of them in the head with bedpan if I heard it again.
ReplyDeleteThen, after it took me 14yrs to get pregnant again and my son was stillborn, the worst thing I heard was "at least you didn't get a chance to know him, that would make it really hard". I still cannot wrap my brain around how my own cousin could say that to me and think that it was okay or comforting in some way.
The best thing anyone ever said to me after both of these devastating experiences was "I don't know what to say, I'm sorry". That just makes the most sense to me because there is nothing anyone can say that will change anything but knowing they care helps a lot.
I'm now 8 1/2 months pregnant with my daughter and hoping that everything is okay this time, so far, so good :)
What helped me was learning from other women about their miscarriages. When someone told me quietly that it had happened to her and that it was a tragedy, I felt strangely comforted. No woman who had this experience ever gave me the "God's plan for deformed baby" nonsense. I have tried over the years (37 of them) myself to give comfort to others in the same way by acknowledging that a horrible tragedy has happened and that it hurts like hell.
ReplyDeleteMy baby died on the 21st of Feb, just a few weeks ago. I was 14 weeks. Yesterday in one of my classes someone told my next time I should eat better and take better care of myself. Why don't people understand? I feel like someone punched me in the heart.
ReplyDeleteMy Dr. said I did everything right; then why did this happen?
People thought I was being irrational when I made the hospital redo the ultrasound for the 3rd time before they gave me a DNC but I begged God to breath life back into my baby the whole day before.
My husband wants to try again but this hurts so much. Does this hurt ever stop?
Maggie,
ReplyDeleteIt will get easier as time goes by, but you will never forget your baby. Be comforted in knowing you will see your baby in Heaven.
People who never experience this are insensitive and ignorant at times.
God knows the cries of your heart.
I've lost a husband, a 7 mo old grandson and had two miscarriages. I understand begging for life to be breathed back in. I did the same thing. My heart goes out to you.
May the Lord wash over you with His peace.
We had 3 iuis and 4 ivf's.6 out of 7 were BFN's. On our 3rd IVF I got pregnant. Elation doesn't even begin to describe it. But at 8 weeks and 4 days I lost our beautiful baby. And despair doesn't even begin to describe it. I remember just feeling lost, immobile. I cried, I sobbed, I shouted, I wailed. But I heard something and read it later, that has given me so much comfort; that every baby chooses us to be their parents, whether we lose them through miscarriage, through termination, through stillbirth, through early death or at any point in their lives, they chose us. Even though they know they cant stay, they want to be with us. That gave me peace.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all peace, this is a difficult road and one that is not helped by insensitive people who just dont get it, but made easier by those who support us and carry us when we need it.
In 2011 we adopted our beautiful son from Ethiopia. And I know, he chose his two mammies and daddies.
These are much better than what my cousin (who had had three of her own) said to me on my first miscarriage: "Oh, don't worry about it. We all go through it."
ReplyDeleteW. T. F.
I just miscarried one week ago at 12 weeks and it was horrible. I found most people didn't know what to say to me, and it was I who searched for comforting words to ease their minds. I would say "there was something wrong" or "it wasn't meant to be....the baby would never survive". Those phrases were never offensive to me as they have been to others; it is simply the truth.
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