Friday, March 25, 2011

Hello? This thing on?

This one is inspired by the lovely Singular Desire, who commented that the worst thing she heard was.... nothing.

In my mind this is the cardinal sin a friend or family member can commit. Even the most bumbling phrase "maybe... meant.... to be.... what happened... you can have another.... don't worry...." is better than radio silence.

As parents who have lost our little babies, whether at 4 weeks or full term, we struggle to convey how utterly sad we are to have lost that particular child. Having a dear friend or family member ignore our child and our grief is just a slap in the face.

There are people in my own family (I have a huge one) who haven't said anything or haven't said enough. I just want to say dude. If my baby were born yesterday you would be buying me baby gear and flying out to LA to visit. You'd be smoking It's a Boy cigars and jockeying for the next turn to hold the kid.

But because the baby died you say nothing? This is the very definition of adding insult to injury.

We do have to cut them a little slack, as they are blissfully unaware of what loss feels like, but I encourage you, if you're one of the people who found my blog by Googling, "what to say to a miscarriage person," (seriously, this appears in my traffic log) the answer is: something.


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  2. I was deafened by the silence coming from one of my best friends, too. All three times - you would think he would have caught a clue after the first but no.

    I am so sorry for the loss of your son, and for the loss of the day he should have been in your arms for the first time.

  3. That's a beautiful way to put it "deafened by the silence."

  4. How about the coworker who asked me each week when I was due? And I had to tell her each time that I had miscarried.

    It finally registered with her after the third time she asked me "so when are you due, again?"

    This time I didn't sugar-coat it. "My baby is dead."

    She finally left me alone.

  5. Omg! I think this is the real definition of adding insult to injury.