Monday, March 21, 2011

Guilt Monster

From a friend, "Well, your job really is so stressful...."

I know this person meant well. She was trying to say something encouraging like, it's not you, it's your job. Instead it made me feel like I was to blame. Maybe if I did a better job of "not being stressed" while at work, I wouldn't have lost two babies in 7 months.

The problem with these types of comments is that they just feed the Guilt Monster. I messed up. I must have messed up. Otherwise why would this be happening?

It's not true. Heroin addicts have babies. They messed up. You didn't. It's not my fault and I didn't mess up. Say it again.

Wanna share a particularly awful/wonderful comment? I will use a pseudonym for you if you're afraid your crazy MIL is reading this blog. Send me an e-mail.


  1. an elderly neighbor lady called me just a few days after my son was stillborn to see how my pregnancy was going. when i told her what happened, she responded with, "oh, i had a miscarriage years ago, and the doctor said it must have been because the baby wasn't normal, and you wouldn't want a baby that's not normal. but you're young, you'll have another chance. you'll be fine."

    i wanted to ask her if at age 35 she was still worried about having a living child; if she'd ever heard the term "advanced maternal age;" if she'd gotten pregnant w/ her 2 kids 50 years ago through IUI; if she'd lost her infertility insurance benefits and feared getting pregnant again would be financially impossible.

    she meant well but she didn't know what she was talking about. to this day i hold a grudge for that phone conversation.

  2. Ohmygoodness! I'd hold a grudge too. There are so many wrong things in her comment. You DON'T compare stillbirth and miscarriage. You DON'T talk badly about someone's baby (not normal?! that's my baby you're dissing). You DON'T minimize someone's pain with a flippant "you're young."

    She should have just stuck with I'm sorry and can I bring you pie or needlepoint or whatever it is old ladies work on.

  3. Also, she could have said, "I'm old and have no use for money. Here's a giant check for your next IUI or IVF." ;)

  4. LOL thank you VERY much a laugh! :)

  5. "I won't say it was because you didn't eat organic foods and vegetables."
    "Sometimes being sad is a symptom of B12 deficiency"
    "You shouldn't have been drinking fluoridated water."

  6. Saskia, OMG. SO annoying. People are horrible. Sending love, xoxo.