Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Yes, I would like some wine with this cheese

After my first miscarriage, I felt terrible guilt for not telling my baby that I loved him each and every day. I shared this with a coworker. She had had children later in life and was remarkably sensitive about the situation.

She said, "Your baby knew you loved him. Every time he heard your heartbeat he felt your love."

This is a total cheesy, cheese ball statement, yet it was so comforting to me. Losing a baby is so psychologically disturbing. I never held my baby. I never kissed his cheek and said I love you sweetheart.

I tell my parents I love them every day. I tell my husband. I even tell my dog (probably more times per day than is normal).

Knowing my baby felt my love is of critical importance to me. I loved you baby, and I still love you, to the blue, blue sky.


  1. i worry about so many things. did kenny have any idea how important he was? how wanted he was? did we do right by him, having him cremated an having a simple memorial service, instead of having a casket and a funeral and an actual gravesite?

    and what weighs on me most: was there anything i could have done to save him?

  2. I really love that sentiment. For me that was a big thing for me too, that my baby knew I loved it. I also felt guilty in a way that I was the only one mourning my baby- like it was less loved because of this, and that bothered me so much too.

  3. this reminds me of a quote I read recently on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope:

    "No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside" ~unknown~

    I never thought of how my baby might know me. It was comforting to read this.

  4. But my baby died at 10 weeks, even though the miscarriage wasn't discovered until my 12 week check- up. I think my baby was too little to hear my heartbeat. I think about this all the time.

  5. My friend, if your baby didn't hear your heartbeat the little one felt it. Every moment of every day. much love to you.