Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Words of a Mouth-Breather

From lovely reader Shanlee:

"My husband doesn’t think that our losses are something to be kept quiet, especially to friends, and he is trying to eradicate the stigmatism associated with miscarriages. So after our second loss, one of his friends (who was a little hammered on booze) says to him, 'Don’t tell people about it, it makes people with kids feel bad.' That was after our second miscarriage. Good grief, imagine if we told him about our third!"

Maybe I have dark sense of humor [ed. note: of course I do] but I'm cracking up right now. I'm soooooo sooooooorry people with children who've never experienced infertility... we don't have the slightest intention of ever ever ever making you feel uncomfortable or .... worse.... thankful for the children you have! Our deepest apologies. Now let's return to our friendship of shoveling food in our mouths and grunting at the TV.



  1. Shanlee, I would also like to say "good on ya" to your husband for not keeping quiet about it. He sounds like a gem!

  2. Pshw. I agree with your sentiments! People are ridiculous.

  3. Those poor, poor people with kids. When my Grandma died, maybe my family should have kept that secret. Now I feel bad about how sad we may have made anyone whose Grandparents were still around.

    Kidding aside, this post totally hits home with me. This is what has been my biggest conflict over the past 2 weeks since I learned that I lost my first pregnancy. Secrets feel shameful, and there is no shame in having a miscarriage. It's not like we did anything wrong!

    And what's more about me wanting to go public is that these little babies' lives, no matter the length, deserve to be honored just like any other life that was lost. Anyone else who loses a loved one gets flowers, an obituary, public recognition, even celebration, of the life that once was. Heck, people even get to post about the death of their gerbils on Facebook (not that they shouldn't....).

    I am definitely in favor of kicking the stigma to the curb and speaking out. I'm starting to wonder if I even believe in keeping the first trimester of a pregnancy secret anymore. At least if you tell lots of people, there are that many more people celebrating the life while it is alive, should something happen.

    I'm even toying with the idea of putting up a respectful FB post honoring my little baby angel... right after one more friend with a newborn posts about how tired she is from all those middle of the night feedings. :-)

  4. Perfect... just perfect!! I love the ignorance of people... Can we invent something that makes them go through the agonies that we have gone through??

  5. I hate how people pretend that a positive pregnancy test equals a baby. I am 21 weeks today and I am still afraid and I will be until the baby is on the OUTSIDE. But everyone just says"don't think about that/talk about that/it won't happen to you." Well, it happens and I can't pretend it doesn't because I'll have a mental breakdown if we lose another pregnancy after I have allowed myself to feel safe. My husbands co-workers baby died three days before their due date and I always think of them when some well intentioned jackass tells me not to worry( or heaven forbid say out loud that my baby could die). Acknowledging the fragility of pregnancy helps me function.