I hope you're not getting sick of my comments on movies, books, and TV shows that reference miscarriage. I think it's one of those things where once you've had a miscarriage, you see and hear about them everywhere. You receive the stupid comments with as much grace as you can muster; you might reach out and comfort someone else who is going through it; and when it comes up on national TV, you sure as heck want to see how they portray this sad event.
The HBO show Enlightened follows a character played by Laura Dern, who works in corporate America and is fresh off a downward spiral with drugs and alcohol. She leaves and goes to rehab where she faces her demons before returning to her job with new hope and viger.
In the episode that shows how her marriage fell apart with Levi (Luke Wilson), she reveals that the last time they were truly happy together was when she was newly pregnant. "Then the baby miscarried," she recalls. "Then our dog died. Then Levi started cheating..."
It's all very sad, but the way she phrased it got me thinking. Do you say, "The baby miscarried," or "I miscarried the baby"?
I'm pretty sure I say, "I miscarried." Should I change the way I say it? What do you say?
I have never heard anyone say "the baby miscarried"... "I had a miscarriage" seems standard. Maybe "I miscarried," but even that one feels awkward.
ReplyDeleteWhen you say, "I miscarried", it almost feels like you're blaming yourself...like it was YOU that did something wrong. I do get that it's an action though, so I guess it technically makes sense. When she said "The baby miscarried" I feel like it was something wrong with the baby/nature. I've never had a miscarriage, so I can't speak to experience. I think in the end however you feel comfortable saying it is the right way.
ReplyDeleteI say, "I had a miscarriage," because saying "I miscarried" does make it feel like it's something I did. No one says, "Lance Armstrong cancers". He had cancer. It happened to him.
ReplyDeleteI've never ever said "the baby miscarried", it is always "i had a miscarriage" or "we had a miscarriage". I like Amy's comment above, it's something that happened to me, not something I did.
ReplyDeleteI've never heard someone say "the baby miscarried." I always say that I "had miscarriages," or "lost the babies, or "lost the pregnancies."
ReplyDeleteThat is definitely thought-provoking... I never thought about how the phrasing would imply it as something done to you, you did, or that the baby even could have done.
ReplyDelete"The baby miscarried" sounds awkward to me. I guess I would prefer "I had a miscarriage" - which is better than the English translation of the same phrase in French, would be "I made a miscarriage" - speaking of words that assign blame ....
ReplyDeleteI started reading your blog today. I can't begin to comprehend your pain and I am so sorry for your losses and the way people have treated you.
ReplyDeleteI'm pregnant for the first time and haven't had my first appointment yet. I'm terrified of having a miscaraige, because of my poor health, and the fact that my depression and anxiety double my chances of going into premature labor. I've been really upset lately, and when I cry and have panic attacks I get cramps. Not alot, but enough to be scarey.
Is it weird to be so worried about a miscaraige when you've never had one?
Hi Victoria! I don't think it's weird. Pregnancy is tough and super hard on the emotions. I know it's super tough to do, but please go easy on yourself. If you're having anxiety, try acknowledging it out loud. "I'm having anxiety. I'm having a panic attack." And then try focusing on your baby. Put a hand on your belly and say, "I love you baby." This is a tool I learned in yoga. Also try gently pushing your belly out while you inhale slowly (as slow as you can).
ReplyDeleteI think you're going to be great. I don't think you're going to have a miscarriage. Treat yourself as much as possible and remember, random people on the internet are rooting for you! love, ED
After our first miscarriage my husband say to our neighbor "we lost the baby" I fell in love with him all over again because he didn't say "my wife" or just say my name he used "we" and that meant a lot to me.
ReplyDeleteI lost my baby. Or my baby died. I refuse to use the word "miscarry". It has a wrong ring to it.
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