Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Duggar Miscarriage

Does anyone watch the show about the Duggars? They have 19 kids and a few grandkids too. They all play the violin and are named Jesse or Jessica or something. 

Whatever you think about their reproductive choices, it's still sad that they have lost their 20th kid in the second trimester. If you want to drive yourself crazy, read the comments on this Huffington Post article

True, they have a ton of kids and should probably focus on feeding the mouths they already have. But a loss is still a loss. I would think it would be especially hard because she has all the kids. She probably thought, hey, I have 19 kids, I'm a pro at this. I made it to the second trimester. I'm in the clear. I'm sure her loss is devastating. 

It's fascinating to me how people of faith credit God for all the good things in their lives. Michelle Duggar even said during the pregnancy announcement that God had seen fit to bless them with another child. 

But how do you explain miscarriage? A curse from God? A terrible event God "allows" to happen? If God allows it to happen to us, why are there 16-year-olds and crackheads who carry to term? It just doesn't add up. 

I have to believe it's all science because the faith answer fails me. That doesn't mean I'm not a person of faith, but I am conflicted over this whole realm of evil/suffering, etc.

I wonder how Michelle will talk about the loss and what language she'll use. And I hope that she can grieve in peace without people telling her "she deserves it."

over and out,


  1. As soon as I saw a news story about this, my heart broke for how nasty people would be about the loss of their child. Yeah, I guess I think having that many kids is a little nuts, but they're all fed and cared for in a loving home environment so I'm not going to judge. They wouldn't be having kids if they didn't love them so much. There's no way to make anything like this easier. I feel awful for them.

    I've struggled a lot with trying to reconcile faith and grief, too. I'm a Christian, and so I believe suffering physical death is the inevitable result of mankind's fall. I don't understand why this is happening to people like us and Michelle. I have no answer for that. But I take great comfort to know God has watched his only son die, and that through that suffering he has tenderly adopted me as his child, too. My miscarriages provided me with a most unwelcome whiff of death, which deepens my understanding of what a gift it was that Jesus tasted death to secure eternal life. I don't know exactly what you mean by "a person of faith," but please know that I'm not trying to make you feel uncomfortable if you have different beliefs than me. It's not my job to change your mind. Just don't be afraid to voice the big questions! I figure saying "How could you do this, God? I'm in so much pain that I don't even think you are real anymore!" takes more guts and faith than just letting it all slip away or living a lie. I imagine Michelle would probably come to the same conclusions I have here, but I am also curious to see what she says.

  2. Ed darling - I completely understand your statement... it's hard to say "God allowed this..." if you look at in a negative context, but it's equally hard to agree with the individuals that say "It just wasn't meant to be." or "Maybe there was something wrong." And yes it's hard to see people that are drugged out of their head having children that are perfectly normal, or kids having kids when they aren't even wanting them... and yes I hate how unfair it is to see that, I hate the saying that everything happens for a reason... but honestly everything does happen for a reason, and no we'll never know that reason?? Maybe the reason Michelle Dugger suffered the miscarriage was because of how many people she can reach through the TV show... lord only knows how many individuals she'll reach and be able to be a comfort because of that... just like you, Ed, have displayed your pain through this blog and have offered comfort to individuals like myself?? I know that personally, there have been things I've suffered through and later been able to help someone else due to that suffering and was able to look back and know that if I hadn't been through the ordeal I suffered I wouldn't have had the knowledge. Does that make sense?? During the pain you ask those questions looking for an answer, but after you've been able to come to terms with it you can usually look back and see the answer you missed. Not always of course... but maybe those times we are just blind to what we are seeing??
    Anyways, enough Theology today... it still hurts regardless, we just struggle through it... <3 Hugs <3

  3. I found your blog through a link from MSN.
    I wish i had found your blog 6 months ago when I lost my baby at 12 weeks. Talk about hell! And of course no one knows what to say, and I wanted to talk about it all the time. I'm a venter, what can i say! But I didn't want to talk about it and make someone feel uncomfortable, heaven forbid!
    One of the hardest moments was explaining to my other children that there wasn't a baby in my tummy anymore.
    About 2 months ago, after reading pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement on facebook, I had a melt down and was pissed!
    I cried my eyes out, did some soul searching and finally got down on my knees and asked God why? The experience that followed still leaves me in tears. I felt an overwhelming amount of love and warmth. God loves me, individually and completely. He, creator of all, loves me. Personally, I don't think he means for us to have this pain, this uncertainty. I think a miscarriage is all biological, all science. Atleast that's what I believe. No it doesn't make it easier, but knowing God's love for me makes it bearable.
    After my meltdown I told my husband that we were going to get pregnant if we had to do it everyday! Let's just say that my husband had the best 10 days of his life and I got what I wanted. 8wks and counting, but still scared to death!
    Thank you so much for having this blog. What a great reference and safe place to still feel sad or upset. Good Luck with getting pregnant again! I wish you all the best!

  4. I refuse to accept the God theory for the same reasons. I mean, yay God and all but the idea that God gave me a baby and then took it away and then handed them out like free samples at Costco to everyone else is outrageous. Someone told me that God took our baby back because we would not be able to care for it while my Mom was on Hospice. Soooooo are they also saying that if we had left my Mom to die in a nursing home that we could have kept our baby?

    My Mom actually had this crazy recovery that her doctors don't understand. But the irony of changing my Mom's diapers and feeding and bathing and dressing her when I had been expecting to do all that for an infant was a bit much. To put it mildly. And then to be told God took our baby on purpose made me want to start SLAPPING PEOPLE. With a shovel.

    I feel badly for Michelle Duggar. They love their kids like anyone else, and losing one is not easier because you already have a bunch.

  5. I'm in awe of you women. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on such a complex topic. I heart you!

  6. Yes, and what about couples that spend years and years trying to get pregnant (that’s me)? Does God "see fit" to withhold a child from them? I don't think so. The comments on the news story drive me crazy, too! In fact, I also wrote a blog post about it and I posted a link to your blog – I hope that’s ok!

    I'm a Mormon (like the Duggars, actually…Mormons are Christians), and I’ve struggled with this same question myself. I love the comments here. I believe that God is our Father, too. And I believe that Christ understands the pain that we’re going through, because He went through the most terrible pain and suffering of all. Christ knows first-hand that this world isn’t perfect and that terrible things happen. But I believe that because of Jesus Christ, one day we can live in a world that is perfect.

    No pain. No miscarriages. No depression. No rude comments. No unfairness.

    That’s the promise – Not that nothing will ever go wrong, because let’s face it, our bodies aren’t perfect and people aren’t perfect. But that there will be a day when it will all be okay. And we’ll get to be with our babies again. :)

    Knowing that God loves me and wants to help me and that I can talk to Him whenever I want gives me strength. I love your perspective and I think you are so strong! You have made such a difference to me. :) Praying for you!

  7. This topic really makes me mad to a point where I almost wish all of the ones with nothing but mean comments would have to go through a miscarriage in the second trimester themselves. I don't care if they have 2 or 200 kids, no one who does their best for their children deserves to lose a baby. If it should happen to anyone at all, it would be the ones who abuse their precious little ones physically and sexually. At least then there would be a reason for it, though it of course would be better if those people never got pregnant at all.

  8. I am in the process of losing my tenth child. I was surprised by this pregnancy and it wasn't entirely welcome. I'm sure people think I'm an utterly stupid bint for this. The fact is that I'm Catholic. I have read what is written within my faith about human sexuality and reproduction. It's logical. It DOES make sense. It's also very hard to live up to. I am nine and a half weeks pregnant. At eight weeks I had an ultrasound where I saw that there was one baby with a heartbeat. I was still struggling with the knowledge of what was to come--an pregnancy that would probably be difficult and that first year of stasis and non-stop baby care. When I started bleeding I hoped it was just some one of those crazy flukey things that happens when people bleed but still carry a baby to term. It wasn't. I'm shocked to find myself devastated. I don't know what happens next as far as my plans but I know one thing for sure--people are going to say hurtful things. One of the very first people I told today told me that one of the most important things going forward is to make sure this (a pregnancy) doesn't happen again. It wasn't meant to hurt me but, seriously, thanks for judging me AND letting me know about it RIGHT NOW. If I knew for sure before that I would prefer to be done having children, I know nothing now. I have no idea what I want to do. My heart is broken and I feel stuck and alone. I envy Mrs. Duggar because her faith is stronger than mine and her community more supportive. Like her, I am also comforted because I look forward to the day I will meet my little angel in Heaven.