A dear friend sent me this story from NPR about a couple and their experience with miscarriage and grief. They planted a bulb to commemorate their lost baby. The story got me thinking about how we grieve. I know I've emailed back and forth on this topic with many of you, so feel free to chime in.
Without further ado, here are five ways to commemorate your lost baby.
5. Buy jewelry. Duh, you deserve it. Also, it's special. A friend bought me a "comet" necklace off Etsy. She said it was to signify a bright spot gone too quickly. I remember the sentiment each time I wear it.
4. Journal your heart out. It really does help.
3. Write a letter. To the little one. Kinda like journaling, only more specific.
2. Plant a tree. Stake out a special place and dig deep into the earth. Take pictures. Cry.
1. Name the baby. I named both of mine. I don't really use their names when thinking of them, but I like that they have them. Bizarre, I know.
Anyone have a special tip to share?
lots of love,
Ed
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Things No One Tells You About Miscarriage
This post is not for the faint of heart. I'm writing it for people like Old Me, who, one year go, had no idea what suffering a miscarriage entailed. One year ago, I was happily pregnant and hoping and planning for the best. I had seen the baby's heartbeat, and my dear parents, wild with excitement, had told every family member and friend on planet earth that we were pregnant.
When the doctor told me and my husband that the baby's heart had stopped on August 26th, 2010, when the baby should have been about 10 weeks, I was devastated. But I had no idea about the horror show I was in for.
1. You may have to deliver the baby. After that fateful August appointment, my doctor sent me home with no advice and a prescription for Tylenol Codeine. A few nights later I woke up with a fever and the worst pain of my life. My husband rushed me to the ER, where they pumped me full of Dilaudid. I delivered our tiny baby that night, and yes, I could see the baby and placenta.
2. You might need a D&C. If I had known then what I know now, I would have a requested a D&C immediately. They knock you out and take out the baby and placenta, etc. There is some risk of scarring, but the benefit is that they can keep the fetus in a sterile environment and test for the cause. This is important with repeat miscarriages.
3. You will bleed like crazy. I bled for weeks after both miscarriages, more blood than I've seen in an episode of True Blood. I bled some normal blood and lots of red gelatinous stuff as well. You really don't want to be far from home during this time.
4. You can't have sex for a few weeks after. This was never a problem for me. Who wants to have sex while balling your eyes out? Still it's important to note.
5. You will feel sadness and anger and jealousy beyond your wildest imagination. You must be kind to yourself during this time. Here are some ideas.
6. You might suffer post traumatic stress syndrome. It's gory, it's death, it's horrific. Do the things you need to do to cope. This is a perfect time to visit a therapist (you can find them in your zip code via Psychology Today) or join a support group through RESOLVE.
7. People will say the stupidest things imaginable. And you will be left wondering if you're in the Twilight Zone. Have some answers ready, and don't let yourself be a doormat.
8. You will find kindness and hope with people who understand. Whether on the Internet or in your daily life, seek out people who understand, and they will comfort you. Find a friend to email (you can always email me) and vent. It helps.
I know miscarriages can be different depending on the situation. Did I forget anything?
When the doctor told me and my husband that the baby's heart had stopped on August 26th, 2010, when the baby should have been about 10 weeks, I was devastated. But I had no idea about the horror show I was in for.
1. You may have to deliver the baby. After that fateful August appointment, my doctor sent me home with no advice and a prescription for Tylenol Codeine. A few nights later I woke up with a fever and the worst pain of my life. My husband rushed me to the ER, where they pumped me full of Dilaudid. I delivered our tiny baby that night, and yes, I could see the baby and placenta.
2. You might need a D&C. If I had known then what I know now, I would have a requested a D&C immediately. They knock you out and take out the baby and placenta, etc. There is some risk of scarring, but the benefit is that they can keep the fetus in a sterile environment and test for the cause. This is important with repeat miscarriages.
3. You will bleed like crazy. I bled for weeks after both miscarriages, more blood than I've seen in an episode of True Blood. I bled some normal blood and lots of red gelatinous stuff as well. You really don't want to be far from home during this time.
4. You can't have sex for a few weeks after. This was never a problem for me. Who wants to have sex while balling your eyes out? Still it's important to note.
5. You will feel sadness and anger and jealousy beyond your wildest imagination. You must be kind to yourself during this time. Here are some ideas.
6. You might suffer post traumatic stress syndrome. It's gory, it's death, it's horrific. Do the things you need to do to cope. This is a perfect time to visit a therapist (you can find them in your zip code via Psychology Today) or join a support group through RESOLVE.
7. People will say the stupidest things imaginable. And you will be left wondering if you're in the Twilight Zone. Have some answers ready, and don't let yourself be a doormat.
8. You will find kindness and hope with people who understand. Whether on the Internet or in your daily life, seek out people who understand, and they will comfort you. Find a friend to email (you can always email me) and vent. It helps.
I know miscarriages can be different depending on the situation. Did I forget anything?
Monday, July 25, 2011
Worst Things to Say Part 2
It's time to revisit the Worst Things to Say, with reader submissions.
Even More Horrible Awful No Good Things to Say to Someone who has Experienced a Miscarriage:
5. From a coworker, "Well, now you know what to do differently next time." Yep. Never talk to you again.
4. From a friend, "Take some time to have fun with your husband while you can." Wow, you're just dismissing my pain completely. A margarita and trip to Cabo doesn't fix everything.
3. Miscarriages happen a lot. Aging parents often die. Would you remind someone of this fact after their parent dies?! You would never.
2. From a doctor, "Don't think of it as a miscarriage, just a late, really heavy period." Don't think of me as a patient, think of me as a grieving mother seeking a doctor who's not a complete jerk. See ya!
1. "Don't worry, you'll have a baby someday." Really? You can personally guarantee this? Do you have 20 grand to lend me for IVF? And you'll be our surrogate? Great!
If you've never personally experienced a miscarriage here's a refresher of 5 Things You Can Say. Let me know if I missed a good one.
Even More Horrible Awful No Good Things to Say to Someone who has Experienced a Miscarriage:
5. From a coworker, "Well, now you know what to do differently next time." Yep. Never talk to you again.
4. From a friend, "Take some time to have fun with your husband while you can." Wow, you're just dismissing my pain completely. A margarita and trip to Cabo doesn't fix everything.
3. Miscarriages happen a lot. Aging parents often die. Would you remind someone of this fact after their parent dies?! You would never.
2. From a doctor, "Don't think of it as a miscarriage, just a late, really heavy period." Don't think of me as a patient, think of me as a grieving mother seeking a doctor who's not a complete jerk. See ya!
1. "Don't worry, you'll have a baby someday." Really? You can personally guarantee this? Do you have 20 grand to lend me for IVF? And you'll be our surrogate? Great!
If you've never personally experienced a miscarriage here's a refresher of 5 Things You Can Say. Let me know if I missed a good one.
Friday, July 15, 2011
There's a Country Western Song in Here Somewhere
"You seem to be doing really well."
-Everyone
Mmmmm. Not totally true. I am managing most of the time. But sometimes one stray comment will pull me down into a spiral.
Yesterday at work one of my coworkers became a grandfather. We were all chatting about it when he brought up how he never knew either of his grandfathers. The relationship is new for him, and he is obviously, blissfully happy.
In that moment, I realized that my husband never knew any of his grandfathers either. They both died before he was born.
I knew and cherished my two grandfathers. My dad's dad played guitar and sang for us songs like, "I can't get off of my horse..." He had huge sausage fingers and was known for being the kindest, most gentle dentist. I lost my first tooth right after he died. I was devastated.
My mom's dad was a sweetheart who laughed at his own jokes. He baked us cakes... yellow cakes with white frosting. He had an easy way of throwing back his head and laughing until he wheezed. I told a joke at his funeral when I was 17.
This is totally cart before the horse-y, but I want my husband to be grandfather. I want him to have the joy of fatherhood and grandfatherhood (a word?). I could see him taking little kids fishing, taking them canoeing, taking them to a candy store.
In order to be grandparents we need to be parents. It's a dream deferred, but I'm still hoping.
-Everyone
Mmmmm. Not totally true. I am managing most of the time. But sometimes one stray comment will pull me down into a spiral.
Yesterday at work one of my coworkers became a grandfather. We were all chatting about it when he brought up how he never knew either of his grandfathers. The relationship is new for him, and he is obviously, blissfully happy.
In that moment, I realized that my husband never knew any of his grandfathers either. They both died before he was born.
I knew and cherished my two grandfathers. My dad's dad played guitar and sang for us songs like, "I can't get off of my horse..." He had huge sausage fingers and was known for being the kindest, most gentle dentist. I lost my first tooth right after he died. I was devastated.
My mom's dad was a sweetheart who laughed at his own jokes. He baked us cakes... yellow cakes with white frosting. He had an easy way of throwing back his head and laughing until he wheezed. I told a joke at his funeral when I was 17.
This is totally cart before the horse-y, but I want my husband to be grandfather. I want him to have the joy of fatherhood and grandfatherhood (a word?). I could see him taking little kids fishing, taking them canoeing, taking them to a candy store.
In order to be grandparents we need to be parents. It's a dream deferred, but I'm still hoping.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Miscarriage and the Movies
Have you ever noticed how books, movies, and the collective zeitgeist deal with miscarriage? It's like AIDS back in 1981. So many misconceptions are proliferated as facts. Let's take a look at some of the top offenders:
1. Downton Abbey - I love this British TV show set in pre-WWI England. It's such an awesome show, yet they had to insert a stupid scene that ran like a bad soap opera plot twist. Lady of the house has all daughters, she gets pregnant, they are hoping it's a male heir, a maid gets jealous, she doesn't help the lady out of the bathtub, lady slips and falls, and ... miscarriage. This is so completely ridiculous. What we know from studies is that miscarriages are caused by a range of factors that DO NOT include slipping 12 inches. Maybe you'd pull a hamstring. Whatever.
2. The Help - A fantastic book. Really, I look forward to the movie. But why is the woman who has repeat miscarriages also the socially inept, slutty blonde who locks herself in the bathroom? The woman who has miscarriages is never portrayed as the put-together high achiever. This is bigotry. This is the definition of being unaware.
3. The Hunger Games - Another fabulous book. In book two, they concoct a fake pregnancy for main character Katniss. When she isn't preggo months later, they say she miscarried due to stress. This answer is given and accepted time and time again as a reason for miscarriage. Studies have shown that the number of miscarriages HAVE NOT gone up during wars and other severely stressful times. Miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities and other problems in the body. In my mind, the generic cause of "stress" is a veiled attempt to blame the woman for the miscarriage.
4. Gone with the Wind - She falls down the staircase and has a miscarriage? Maaaaaybe this is possible. If you're severely injured, which she did not appear to be in her giant, plush robe. I've never heard of a real miscarriage happening this way.
How do we dispel these misconceptions? Will miscarriage always be a dirty word, signifying some misdeed on the part of the woman? We have so much awareness for other issues. I think it's time for the myths about infertility and miscarriage to go the way of the black and white TV.
Anyone thinking of a book or movie to add?
1. Downton Abbey - I love this British TV show set in pre-WWI England. It's such an awesome show, yet they had to insert a stupid scene that ran like a bad soap opera plot twist. Lady of the house has all daughters, she gets pregnant, they are hoping it's a male heir, a maid gets jealous, she doesn't help the lady out of the bathtub, lady slips and falls, and ... miscarriage. This is so completely ridiculous. What we know from studies is that miscarriages are caused by a range of factors that DO NOT include slipping 12 inches. Maybe you'd pull a hamstring. Whatever.
2. The Help - A fantastic book. Really, I look forward to the movie. But why is the woman who has repeat miscarriages also the socially inept, slutty blonde who locks herself in the bathroom? The woman who has miscarriages is never portrayed as the put-together high achiever. This is bigotry. This is the definition of being unaware.
3. The Hunger Games - Another fabulous book. In book two, they concoct a fake pregnancy for main character Katniss. When she isn't preggo months later, they say she miscarried due to stress. This answer is given and accepted time and time again as a reason for miscarriage. Studies have shown that the number of miscarriages HAVE NOT gone up during wars and other severely stressful times. Miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities and other problems in the body. In my mind, the generic cause of "stress" is a veiled attempt to blame the woman for the miscarriage.
4. Gone with the Wind - She falls down the staircase and has a miscarriage? Maaaaaybe this is possible. If you're severely injured, which she did not appear to be in her giant, plush robe. I've never heard of a real miscarriage happening this way.
How do we dispel these misconceptions? Will miscarriage always be a dirty word, signifying some misdeed on the part of the woman? We have so much awareness for other issues. I think it's time for the myths about infertility and miscarriage to go the way of the black and white TV.
Anyone thinking of a book or movie to add?
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Cheeseburger and a Baby Pls
I've been all over the place in the past few weeks. Sometimes I feel fine! Thank you! Sometimes I feel certifiable. Let me tell you about one of the latter times.
So there's this normal-seeming guy at work. He's one of those people who got married recently and had a baby right away. Pretty much every time I've run into him in the last year he has asked the same question:
"So.... are you guys thinking about having kids soon?"
I've demurred several times. Finally after my second miscarriage I said something like:
"I just had a miscarriage."
So he's like, "Oh. I have a book for you to read."
Weeks and months went by and I never heard any more about the book. I figured I had already read it, since there are approximately 2.7 books about miscarriage in the world.
Suddenly, last week, he drops by my office to give me a book called Supernatural Childbirth.
Omg, you guys.
Here are some of the claims in the book:
- all you need to do is pray and you are GUARANTEED children by God
- if you're having problems conceiving you are not praying enough
- God doesn't want you to have miscarriages, and if you're having them it's Satan, and you haven't prayed enough
- you can pray for AND God will grant you a pain-free delivery
- all birth defects are caused by Satan, and you just didn't pray enough
- women are cursed by Satan from back in the Garden of Eden
- you can select the gender, eye color, and hair color of your future child with prayer
The author claims that she was once declared infertile and then she prayed her way out of it. Now she has 4 healthy children! (Of course she gave no actual details of her supposed infertility.)
The book is full of testimonials about people who read her book and listened to her tape. They are like, "I had two miscarriages and then I started listening to your tape EVERY DAY. Now I have a beautiful baby boy!"
I wanted to shred the book to bits (might still do) and scream at this Jackie Mize for espousing complete bull shit (might still do).
But on the whole, it just makes me sad. I'm deeply saddened by this book and for the women who are desperately trying to pray their way out of tragic fertility problems that are completely out of their control.
It makes me sad that stereotypes about woman and infertility persist because of books like this one.
It makes me sad that my coworker would own and PASS ON a book like this.
It's sad and pathetic that this woman looks at her 4 healthy children and says, "I did this. Me and my amazing faith."
How narrow-minded. How sacrilegious. How pathetic.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Casey Anthony: Why Couldn't She Be Infertile?
Anyone following the Casey Anthony trial? Her web of lies is just despicable, and the evidence clearly shows that she did it. In addition to whatever sentence is handed down, I think she should be put in a room with a group of infertiles, who will then have the opportunity to say whatever they want to her for a few hours. I would have a string of profanities for sure....
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