Next time someone comments on your stress

... Resist the urge to smack them and forward them this link to Let Me Google That for You.

Stress has become such a loaded word, and in the case of infertility and miscarriage, it's a way to blame the woman. Don't take it! You don't deserve it.

lots of love,
Ed

Enlightened

I hope you're not getting sick of my comments on movies, books, and TV shows that reference miscarriage. I think it's one of those things where once you've had a miscarriage, you see and hear about them everywhere. You receive the stupid comments with as much grace as you can muster; you might reach out and comfort someone else who is going through it; and when it comes up on national TV, you sure as heck want to see how they portray this sad event.

The HBO show Enlightened follows a character played by Laura Dern, who works in corporate America and is fresh off a downward spiral with drugs and alcohol. She leaves and goes to rehab where she faces her demons before returning to her job with new hope and viger.

In the episode that shows how her marriage fell apart with Levi (Luke Wilson), she reveals that the last time they were truly happy together was when she was newly pregnant. "Then the baby miscarried," she recalls. "Then our dog died. Then Levi started cheating..."

It's all very sad, but the way she phrased it got me thinking. Do you say, "The baby miscarried," or "I miscarried the baby"?

I'm pretty sure I say, "I miscarried." Should I change the way I say it? What do you say?

Miscarriage and the Movies Part 2

Awhile back I wrote a post calling out some of the top movies, TV shows, and books that proliferate the same old misconceptions about miscarriage as fact. Imagine my surprise when the topic of miscarriage came up in two recent movies in a sensitive and real way.

1. The Help. I originally took issue with the portrayal of Celia Foot, who suffers multiple miscarriages and is the outsider among the white, bridge-playing ladies of Jackson, Mississippi. In the book she seemed too stupid and slutty and socially inept. In the movie version however, she came across as honest and kindhearted; a real person in the midst of all the Stepford Wives. The scene with Celia in the bathroom and Minnie comforting her was heartbreaking and sensitively drawn.

2. Young Adult. If you haven't seen this movie, stop reading because I'm about to ruin it for you. This was definitely a strange movie. You'll dislike the crazy alcoholic main character and assume she's a home wrecker and baby hater for much of the movie. As she chases down her high school sweetheart, who is recently married with a baby, you wonder... where the heck is the movie going? Then she has a complete breakdown on the lawn of his house in front of his wife and friends and family members, revealing why she is so upset. She and him were going to get married. They were going to have a baby. Then she miscarried at 12 weeks. She's definitely a major hot mess in this movie, but I liked the reveal of the miscarriage as why she lost it in her hometown.

BONUS: Jay-Z wrote a song for he and Beyonce's new daughter who was born this weekend. In the song he mentions their previous miscarriage being so tragic. I feel for them and am glad that they are letting the world know. Do you think miscarriage is losing some of its stigma?

The Duggar Miscarriage

Does anyone watch the show about the Duggars? They have 19 kids and a few grandkids too. They all play the violin and are named Jesse or Jessica or something. 

Whatever you think about their reproductive choices, it's still sad that they have lost their 20th kid in the second trimester. If you want to drive yourself crazy, read the comments on this Huffington Post article. 

True, they have a ton of kids and should probably focus on feeding the mouths they already have. But a loss is still a loss. I would think it would be especially hard because she has all the kids. She probably thought, hey, I have 19 kids, I'm a pro at this. I made it to the second trimester. I'm in the clear. I'm sure her loss is devastating. 

It's fascinating to me how people of faith credit God for all the good things in their lives. Michelle Duggar even said during the pregnancy announcement that God had seen fit to bless them with another child. 

But how do you explain miscarriage? A curse from God? A terrible event God "allows" to happen? If God allows it to happen to us, why are there 16-year-olds and crackheads who carry to term? It just doesn't add up. 

I have to believe it's all science because the faith answer fails me. That doesn't mean I'm not a person of faith, but I am conflicted over this whole realm of evil/suffering, etc.

I wonder how Michelle will talk about the loss and what language she'll use. And I hope that she can grieve in peace without people telling her "she deserves it."

over and out,

Ed

I thought my problem was STAYING pregnant?

In October I did everything right. Eating. Walking. Vitamins. Acupuncture, etc.

I was sure I was pregnant. I felt nauseated. I threw up once for NO REASON. One night my boobs hurt so much that I made my husband fetch me an ice pack, and I literally iced my boobs.

The only thing that came of my hard work to relax was two negative pregnancy tests and a horribly long and painful period.

In November I did everything right. Resting. Laughing. Vitamins. Acupuncture, etc.

I was sure I was pregnant. I felt exhausted. My boobs hurt and my brain felt foggy.

I had a negative pregnancy test this morning.

Going crazy,
Ed

It happened to me: xojane

Hi lovely readers! xojane just published an article I wrote about my two miscarriages. Check it out! Some reader comments make an appearance.

love to you all,
Ed

Retail Therapy: Diamond Edition

You know what makes me feel better? Buying stuff! Here are five unique items you can buy to commemorate your baby and lift your spirits.

1. Stones in nest. I've purchased these for a friend who has one living child and has had two miscarriages. You can order names engraved on the stones or images or a combination. The shop owners are super nice.
2. Comet necklace. A comet represents a bright spot gone too quickly. Comets also have that "other-wordly" quality that's totally appropriate.
3. Mother and child necklace. I love the intersecting circles on this piece.
4. Moon necklace. Another beautiful, symbolic necklace. The moon is always with us, far away but present at the same time.
5. Right hand ring. You are brave and have been through hell. You deserve a giant diamond on your right hand, whether you have one on your left or not.

Show me your commemorative stuff!